Hey, guess what, guys? Jessica Alba is like totally skinny again! Can you believe it? She like just had a baby five minutes ago. That’s just amazing. She must be so disciplined. It’s so hard to get rid of baby weight. It usually takes forever. Am I right, ladies? Aren’t most of you like still carrying around fifteen pounds of flab from that little brat who just started kindergarten? Jessica Alba is so lucky. So so lucky. So goddamn fucking lucky. OK, screw this. This is so not fair. Is it not enough, Jessica Alba, that you are stunningly gorgeous and universally desired by men? Isn’t that enough for you? Couldn’t you like keep an extra five pounds on your stomach at least until that damn kid is weaned? Why must you torture the rest of us like this? You got to costar opposite Dane Cook, for Xenu’s sake. Comedy legend and all around awesome dude Dane Cook! You are one lucky lady, Jessica Alba. Now, please, show a tiny bit of compassion and make a habit of running out to Whole Foods to pick up organic peas and carrots to make into strained homemade baby food while sporting a full head of curlers or something.
